Most who know me, tell me I remind them of a "fat (former) Mexican Chandler," yes, all my friends are racists, thus why I love them. (in jest, come on gang, I love everyone, and everyone is equal, and love is love, and Gandhi and world peace) Much like the character of my beloved show, I tend to deal with uncomfortable situations by using my sarcastic, award-winning humor. That being said, it hasn't been the easiest week or so. I went and had an endoscopy done, and found out I have a hiatal hernia, which explains the pains I have been feeling for the past few months, and it has been flared by not only diet, but also stress and anxiety. First of all, I had NEVER been asleep for ANY procedure, so of course I was having a panic attack as they were prepping me, I kept telling the nurses that I was anxious, and they kept laughing saying " we have drugs for that!!" I was so nervous up until the moment where........................................yeah, just like that it was over. I fell asleep without even knowing, and woke up high as a kite. Starving, but feeling ok, I wanted to eat everything! So I did, I had a burger and man, let me tell ya, it was AMAZING it tasted like 'MURICA! , and yeah it hurt my stomach, but after finding out I had a hernia? Come on you gotta live a little! the burger was worth my....Discomfort, for lack of a better word. As per my last post, I have taken charge of my diet and cut out every delicious fattening food out of my life (cravings are real folks! and did I mention it was a CHEESE burger?!), but the I am still on the seems-to-never-end-road-to-master-anxiety. Things that seem impossible usually are, until they are done. Now calm down, I'm not saying I am there, but have had a lot of insight as to what my triggers are.....hint? Situations out of my..........control.
Friends; the family you choose. Yes, I have a large family, being "Mexican" and all (guys, you know I'm not Mexican right? I was born in Venezuela,) however, most of them live outside of the US. Since coming here in 1995, my friends have become my family, the ones who understand me, the people I love with all my heart, and the ones I can't live without. The "Gang" to my "Chandler"-It is obvious that Jenn is my Monica-I am very lucky to have a core circle of "Family Friends" (you know who you are) who have been very understanding, and accepting of my situation. Anxiety is something that I have "had" my whole life, but it hadn't manifested in paralyzing ways until about 8 months ago. At first it was just affecting me, a little bit here and there, or so I thought, until I received 2 letters from my closest friends. It gave me the opportunity to see that anxiety can cast a wide net, entrapping all aspects of your life, and also keeping those who love you out. Their words were packed with encouragement, worry, hilarious anecdotes (from yours truly), but most of all love. Reminding me of the Chandler-like Miguel that was me, before all this started. They made me realize that I was living every day afraid of dying, and sure in the moment, it sounds legit! But it reality it is DUMB, you have to live for now.
Before I scheduled my Endoscopy, I spent a little time in the hospital. I had a horrible pain in my stomach, and everything went black, I had to get excused from doing my duties and was taken from work in an ambulance. I was in the ER for a looooooooong time, then was admitted for observation. They wanted to make sure it wasn't my heart, since I was having chest pains and was having a rapid heart beat. They took out blood every 3 hours, they wouldn't let me eat they checked my gall bladder for stones, chest x-rays...but worst of all.....they made me wear......THESE! I'm being dramatic, but come on! You know my sock game, son! I was wearing nice ones, which the nurses even complimented me on, but they said, "you have to wear these, hospital policy" I got a few hours of sleep and was discharged, they said my heart is "strong like bull" and that my pain was most likely a GI related incident. So I scheduled my procedure, went back to work, and waited anxiously for answers.Another aspect of my life that was being affected was my job, I was missing work because I wasn't feeling well a lot of the time. When I was there, I was anxious, and scared that another attack may creep in, after finding out about my GI issues, I realized that I could not handle the stress of the job I loved so much. It was with a broken heart that I approached my superiors, and let them know that I would have to step down. Health is most important, as I visit all these doctors and change all the aspects of my life, it came down to one. One that changed 8 months ago, when I was promoted. I am damn good at what I do (did) and will not be modest about it, no I"m not a transponstor, (favorite Friends word) but my absences were not fair to my team, so I made the hard decision to leave them. I love the people I worked with, and even though I was only there for a short time, it was meaningful. The position I had worked so hard for, is gone, and I am very sad about it. Sure, I may be able to go back some day, but for now, I have to focus on my health, not only physical, but mental. You can't get so caught up in making a living, that you forget to make a life.
My wife, my dogs, my Friends, My family, that's the life I need to focus on. Work will be something I do so I can keep a home for The Matheus, but mostly to feed my addiction to Socks . It's a healthy one I think. You need to live in the now, anxiety, stress, work, money, sure those are all things that will try to steal away from your precious, short moments in life that truly matter. Be in the now, and take one day at a time, you are never guaranteed tomorrow, so love unconditionally, like those two little boys love me. I mean LOOK AT THOSE FACES! Most important, know and realize that your mental health affects not only you, but all parts of your life. Hard times will divide your "friends" into the who people truly care and write you notes of encouragement, and those who will say, "god can't you just THINK it away?" there is a difference know who is worthy of your love, and learn the difference between one-sided friends, and the ones to say,"I'll be there for you......because you're there for me to."
I MEAN COME ON! HOSPITALS! GET WITH THE SOCK GAME!!!!!!!!!!!
