F*R*I*E*N*D*S

So no one told you life was going to be this way.......GOTCHA! but seriously, when you see the title, doesn't it remind you of one of THE best  sitcoms?!

Most who know me, tell me I remind them of a "fat (former) Mexican Chandler," yes, all my friends are racists, thus why I love them. (in jest, come on gang, I love everyone, and everyone is equal, and love is love, and Gandhi and world peace) Much like the character of my beloved show, I tend to deal with uncomfortable situations by using my sarcastic, award-winning humor.  That being said, it hasn't been the easiest week or so. I went and had an endoscopy done, and found out I have a hiatal hernia, which explains the pains I have been feeling for the past few months, and it has been flared by not only diet, but also stress and anxiety. First of all, I had NEVER been asleep for ANY procedure, so of course I was having a panic attack as they were prepping me, I kept telling the nurses that I was anxious, and they kept laughing saying " we have drugs for that!!" I was so nervous up until the moment where........................................yeah, just like that it was over. I fell asleep without even knowing, and woke up high as a kite. Starving, but feeling ok, I wanted to eat everything! So I did, I had a burger and man, let me tell ya, it was AMAZING it tasted like 'MURICA! , and yeah it hurt my stomach, but after finding out I had a hernia? Come on you gotta live a little! the burger was worth my....Discomfort, for lack of a better word. As per my last post, I have taken charge of my diet and cut out every delicious fattening food out of my life (cravings are real folks! and did I mention it was a CHEESE burger?!), but the  I am still on the seems-to-never-end-road-to-master-anxiety. Things that seem impossible usually are, until they are done.  Now calm down, I'm not saying I am there, but have had a lot of insight as to what my triggers are.....hint? Situations out of my..........control.

Friends; the family you choose. Yes, I have a large family, being "Mexican" and all (guys, you know I'm not Mexican right? I was born in Venezuela,) however, most of them live outside of the US. Since coming  here in 1995, my friends have become my family, the ones who understand me, the people I love with all my heart, and the ones I can't live without. The "Gang" to my "Chandler"-It is obvious that Jenn is my Monica-I am very lucky to have a core circle of "Family Friends" (you know who you are) who have been very understanding, and accepting of my situation. Anxiety is something that I have "had" my whole life, but it hadn't manifested in paralyzing ways until about 8 months ago. At first it was just affecting me, a little bit here and there, or so I thought, until I received 2 letters from my closest friends. It gave me the opportunity to see that  anxiety can cast a wide net, entrapping all aspects of your life, and also keeping those who love you out.  Their words were packed with encouragement, worry, hilarious anecdotes (from yours truly), but most of all love. Reminding me of the Chandler-like Miguel that was me, before all this started.  They made me realize that I was living every day afraid of dying, and sure in the moment, it sounds legit! But it reality it is DUMB, you have to live for now. 

Before I scheduled my Endoscopy, I spent a little time in the hospital. I had a horrible pain in my stomach, and everything went black, I had to get excused from doing my duties and was taken from work in an ambulance. I was in the ER for a looooooooong time, then was admitted for observation. They wanted to make sure it wasn't my heart, since I was having chest pains and was having a rapid heart beat.  They took out blood every 3 hours, they wouldn't let me eat they  checked my gall bladder for stones, chest x-rays...but worst of all.....they made me wear......THESE! I'm being dramatic, but come on! You know my sock game, son! I was wearing nice ones, which the nurses even complimented me on, but  they said, "you have to wear these, hospital policy" I got a few hours of sleep and was discharged, they said my heart is "strong like bull" and that my pain was most likely a GI related incident. So I scheduled my procedure, went back to work, and waited anxiously for answers.

Another aspect of my life that was being affected was my job, I was missing work because I wasn't feeling well a lot of the time. When I was there, I was anxious, and scared that another attack may creep in, after finding out about my GI issues, I realized that I could not handle the stress of the job I loved so much. It was with a broken heart that I approached my superiors, and let them know that I would have to step down. Health is most important, as I visit all these doctors and change all the aspects of my life, it came down to one. One that changed 8 months ago, when I was promoted. I am damn good at what I do (did) and will not be modest about it, no I"m not a transponstor, (favorite Friends word) but my absences were not fair to my team, so I made the hard decision to leave them. I love the people I worked with, and even though I was only there for a short time, it was meaningful. The position I had worked so hard for, is gone, and I am very sad about it.  Sure, I may be able to go back some day, but for now, I have to focus on my health, not only physical, but mental. You can't get so caught up in making a living, that you forget to make a life.

My wife, my dogs, my Friends, My family, that's the life I need to focus on. Work will be something I do so I can keep a home for The Matheus, but mostly to feed my addiction to Socks . It's a healthy one I think. You need to live in the now, anxiety, stress, work, money, sure those are all things that will try to steal away from your precious, short moments in life that truly matter. Be in the now, and take one day at a time, you are never guaranteed tomorrow, so  love unconditionally, like those two little boys love me. I mean LOOK AT THOSE FACES! Most important, know and realize that your mental health affects not only you, but all parts of your life. Hard times will divide your "friends" into the who people truly care and write you notes of encouragement, and those who will say, "god can't you just THINK it away?" there is a difference know who is worthy of your love, and learn the difference between one-sided friends, and the ones to say,"I'll be there for you......because you're there for me to."

I MEAN COME ON! HOSPITALS! GET WITH THE SOCK GAME!!!!!!!!!!!

A picture is worth......a 100 likes?

So as you all know, I've been on this kick to try to get healthier, control anxiety, diabetes, weight gain/loss, GERD, TMJ, a job, marriage, bills, you know; The American Dream.

Well my friends, I am here to tell you that it's a piece of cake! A piece of cake that given my diabetes, and gluten intolerance, my body just can't handle it all! YAAAAY! Alright before you go all, "but Miguel, come on! give us some good news!" to you I say, "calm down! you're gonna have to keep reading!"

Stress can run havoc on your body, and there are MANY factors that can bring it on, it's tailored to each person, like a Boggart, and yes.....IT SUCKS. Your mind is can be an amazing/awful thing. Sure, we all have stress, we all have fears, but only some unlucky ones are able to let it overcome you. I am, unfortunately, one of those. Ever since my diagnosis with Diabetes, it seems that the fear of having a chronic disease, and having it be true, has told my mind "hey, if you have DIABETES? you have a million other diseases" That sets the anxiety into overdrive, speeding down the highway of irrational, catastrophic scenarios.  It passes, it always does, it's just those moments, that it seems it will never end, or that actually it will.

However, it hasn't been all bad. Lots of good things have been happening since my last post; we moved, my wife and I are no longer living at the BLVD, a place we miss, but we are now in a cozy (NYC talk for Small) apartment, just us two, and the two little four legged Matheus. Moving is very very stressful, but worth it. Although  we miss our friends terribly, there was a party thrown to commemorate our time living together in addition to celebrating my friend's 30th birthday and the best part..............'twas 80's themed. don't believe me?

Well here's my amazing wife; in full character that says "HEY COME PARTY IN OUR BASEMENT!" whereas I went the opposite more ''me" way and went 80's prep. This is a pretty accurate depiction of the groups we would have been in, had we been teens/college kids in this decade. And no we would have not sat at the same table. Keep in mind I am wearing regular clothes I own......and I look like my father.  And if you're wondering, "are you holding vodka," why yes, yes I am. I had a few drinks that evening, and since I have not drank in a very long time.....I was high school wasted a mere few hours after the party had started....so drunk that my wife and I did our dance routine..........proof, you say? 

If you're wondering...it's Beyonce's End of Time, we perform at weddings, birthday partie and funerals.....call us today! Totally kidding, this is one of those things, where I must be beyond wasted to not let my anxiety take over, and not give a crap. Not to say that alcohol is the way to cope with it, because I it isn't. I just DONT drink EVER, but it was a fun night.....a great way to say goodbye to a place that will always be in our hearts.There are  many more photos to share, click, and you'll see how much fun we all had. Brought to you by April Asico, book her for your next corporate event! Guys I had cake, I had bread that night, and yes I paid the consequences later, but for that night it was worth it. Because when anxiety is taking over your life......you need to relish in the happy moments, and remember them in the instances where fear takes over you.

They say a picture is worth a thousand words.....in this case it was worth a 100 likes on Facebook! I'm talking "new born baby" "just got engaged" level! let me explain.....at my job we have to get our pictures taken and they go out to all the staff so they know who the courtroom clerks are. I took one 6 months ago, when I first started. Since then,  I have lost just a smidge of weight, so when they came up to take the new clerk's pictures, I asked for a retake...I mean I was having a good hair day. I know I have given up many delicious things; pasta, cakes, candy, sweets, soda, pasta, bread, cakes (yeah I know I said it twice, it is THAT important) and I know that I had lost a few LB's but I didn't know that it was like this...................

On the left is jolly Miguel (jolly because of how fat I was) On the right is the Today Miguel (see what how good my hair looked that day?!) It wasn't until I put these two pictures side by side, that I was able to really see the difference. My sugar is under control, so that's a good thing. Now all I have to take care of are these ridiculous anxious moments. I look at this and see that there is hope. Not in a MILLION years did I think that I would be this healthy (and by healthy I mean skinny). I always thought that if McDonnald's and I were to get into a fight, McDonnald's would win, and I would just eat there every day, because I had no will power to say "no" to a BigMac, I mean come on guys, we know it's trash, but it's disgustingly delicious trash. I had the will power to give up a lot of things, which gives me a lot of hope. So yes, I have horrible moments, where I feel like I'm dying, and yes I've gone to the hospital, and spent money for them to tell me that it was just anxiety. I can't help by wonder,   if I could give up smoking 5 years ago (smoked for 10), sugar, bread, cakes, candy, why not anxiety? I will one day, I am always hopeful, and even though the dark times seem like they are never going to end, they will. 

Find that thing you want to fight for, and hold on to it. It will let you see the light when you're feeling dark. For me it's my wife and my boys, and now the proof that giving up so many things, actually works! So yes, we all experience stress, but the key is to not ever let it allow you to forget what is really important, LOVE. Friends, family, hobbies, pets, they are all love; and that is all that counts. Stress, anxiety and worry steal from your now. You are never guaranteed tomorrow, so make your now count. 

Till next time gang! 

A day in the life

well folks, here we are again! It has been a very long time since my last post, and things were going well for a while, and then all of a sudden, we are back to the daily attacks....Fun, isn't it? Wanna know what I'm feeling right now? In the middle of my panic? Let me walk you through it, this content may not be suitable for children.......

Right now, I am sitting in my bed, because my paralyzing anxiety did not allow me to get out of the house to go to work. No I do not have Agoraphobia, but I do have a fear of dying. Every panic attack starts out the same, tingling, racing heart, can't move my hands, feel frozen. Feels like I'm in the middle of a muddy ocean and its waves are crashing onto my body, dragging me into the deep end, into an abyss. Feels like I'm never going to come out....like This is the end, give every little pang of pain, or weird feeling in my body (which we all have all throughout the day) too much significance, therefore my mind is just ready for the worst, ready for death. I can't see in front of me, I can't see it getting better. Feel disconnected to my NOW, feel stolen away, right now as I type, it feels like it isn't me. It is 1:06 pm, and it is bad, it feels like it is how my life will be forever. In this moment, there is no positive thinking, there is no WILLING yourself out of it. I have hit a wall, an invisible wall that no one but me can see. No one but me can understand. I found this image, and it puts into a visual (lame albeit) how an attack feels.....Everyone always says, "it's all in your mind" oh yeah?! NO SHIT! It is ALL in my mind. Your mind is the most powerful thing in your body. Why? Because it can control your reality, your now. Everyone knows me as the funny guy; which come on, I am! But this funny guy is going through some very real issues at the moment. I have been going to therapy, I've been exercising, dieting, keeping an eye on my sugars, looking AWESOME by the way, I've lost a bunch of weight, but the paranoid, always-look-for-the-bad part of me thinks that I am loosing weight, NOT because of everything I have changed, but because there is something wrong with me. 

I will one day possess all the keys that unlock the prison, that is my mind. The keyless entries, the deadbolt, all of it. For right now, it is tough. It is a fear that just keeps coming back. I went through a whole month with no Xanax, no attacks, eating better. And even if I got little attacks, I was able to fight through them....however, in the past few weeks, it has not been that way. It has been very stressful everyday. I wake up, and for those peaceful 30-60 seconds, where you forget what you were stressed about I am at peace. Then my mind turns on, and BOOM! catastrophic everything. 

Not everyday is as dark as today, I do have some happy ones. I am working on relishing them. Anxiety, fear, depression, whatever you are going through, becomes your reality, you are what you feel; you are what you see, or what your mind tells you, you are seeing, or feeling. Every morning I wake up around 5, do my workout, shower, watch some show on my iPad, and then slowly I start thinking about the day; thinking about what the day could bring. What if I get in an accident? what if I trip in the middle of the road and the light turns green and I get hit by a truck? (because a car would be less, obviously) Guys; I know! It's ridiculous. I have always been a worrier and a hypochondriac. One of my biggest fears came true, when I went in for a routine physical, and was diagnosed with Diabetes, a chronic, life long disease; one who has taken many of my relatives. I still worry about that every day, and ever since then my anxiety got a bit worse. There are days, and there are days. 

These past few have been bad, there will be more that will be better. I have to remain positive, somehow. Otherwise, what's the point of all this, right? These moments steal from your Now, which are stealing your today, tomorrow is never guaranteed, so you have to fight for it! It's never too late for now! 

 It is 2:53 p.m. I am feeling only a bit better, the wall is no longer as tall as it was an hour ago, it is still there, still an "obstacle" but not as high, I can climb over this little bitch of a wall! Anxiety; the bitchy ex that is obsessed with you, and never wants to let you go.  My next post will be more positive, I'm sure. Lots of things are coming my way; the Matheus are relocating  and saying goodbye to the BLVD, a very happy place. New beginnings are always scary, which is why I think my attacks have been coming back I mean....MOVING?! are you kidding?! 2 straight days of non-stop stress! But I can't wait! It will be good! It will be close to work, close to LOTS of things in the area, and this stupid winter, will hopefully be over soon! Cheers!!!!

gluten free, sugar free....Vogue says

Thinner is better. Just a direct quote from "Pretty Hurts" a song that dives directly into America's obsession with beauty, by Beyonce. The Queen.  Ahh God I love her.

Although Beyonce's lyrics are "Fat-free, Sugar-Free," My life is going through a different journey. As per my therapist's suggestion (Order), I started keeping alog of the times I would get anxious, and feel like I was dying. NOT FUN. Especially when you're IN the moment. Alas, I took her advise and wrote down everything I am feeling in the middle of a panic attack. The usual things, "I am dying, This is the end. I love my wife. My insides are burning, my heart feels like it's racing a mile a minute....Blah blah blah" It passes, it ALWAYS passes. When you start keeping tabs on your "triggers" you start noticing patterns, i.e.; it happens when I think of (blank). I feel the  most anxious when I am (blank). I started noticing that my most terrifying episodes were occurring ,  after I ate fried, spicy, processed, oily, full fat foods, during the "digestive" periods. I would start to feel the familiar chest pain, the fogginess, the dizziness, your typical this-is-the-end-for-me scenarios. Why? If you follow my posts (WHICH YOU SHOULD!)you know that I have GERD, and who can forget the good Ol' DIABETUS?! That bitch is the whole reason why I started this blog, but why is it that now the foods that I have faithfully loved for oh-so-many years are turning against me, and running havoc on my body?

Like many things on this earth, we as humans deteriorate with age. Not saying I'm an old fart, I'm young, I'm only 31 for crying out loud, but things you were able to do in your teens and 20's, you can no longer handle after that 3-0. Your body is all "I dare you, I triple dog dare you, man! COME AT ME BRO!" I used to survive on Wendy's. Seriously, ask anyone I waited tables with, they will tell you, that when I got off work at 11 p.m I would be at the drive through waiting for my #1 with no pickle, medium with a coke, and 5 piece chicken nuggets with  sweet and sour sauce (Yum, I want that so bad right now). I had that meal the last time I had my most horrible episode, which is when I realized-It's. The. Food. Food, that whore! I have treated her with nothing but the utmost respect, been so understanding, and caring, and now she hates me. Out of nowhere. Blindsided, she no longer wants me. You gotta take the good with the bad, I mean yes, When I was 20 I could eat McDonald's for breakfast, Mexican for lunch, and Wendy's for dinner AFTER  a night of drinking, but come on, NOW? Well sir, now I wake up at 5:15, attempt to work out, go get ready for my awesome job, (where I wear suits and ties, I wore a tie at my last serving job, but everyone knew I wasn't going to my "office" when I put on the apron on top!) Eat 5 small meals, to keep my sugar levels regulated, and get 8 hours of sleep a night! THE. DREAM. So take THAT 20-yr-old ME! (Also you have found a wonderful woman, you have 2 loving four legged sons, and your bills are paid on time, because you know............you are an adult) We are not wine, our bodies DON'T just  get better with age, but our minds do, we are able to make the right decisions, which are not always the easy ones, which makes you able to put in effort,  take care of our bodies  so that we may enjoy everything we work so hard for.

Also with getting old, comes a whole new set of "intolerances" to things you never had, and NEVER thought you would develop. What are some examples? All night rages, with no side effects, youths, teenagers, loud noises, loud places, loud people, tweens, Boy bands, Britney Spears (just kidding, still like her and her lip-syncing-ass). NOT knowing what is cool and isn't cool. (did you know that kids no longer find Facebook cool?) Not knowing what is ''IN," sensitivity to light, absolute HANGER (hunger and anger) if you don't get your 5 meals....you get the point. God, I really do hate our youths. were we this obnoxious and entitled when we were their age?! Anyway, a new intolerance my body has decided to throw my way, to you know....mix it up, is Gluten. That's right, Gluten, that thing we never knew existed in EVERYTHING we eat.

Before I was Diagnosed with the Betes (new nickname, I'm trying it out, like comment, and tell me what you think......hahha) I never paid much attention to the "Nutrition facts" in ANY of the trash I was eating. Drink one 20oz bottle  of Coke, see how many grams of sugar are per serving, go ahead, take a peek..........65grams, that's right, 65 grams of sugar per serving, that's ONE bottle. These labels are there for legal purposes, so that you KNOW that when YOU, the consumer, ingest ONE bottle of America's Crack, in return you are drinking 15.25 tea spoons of sugar. No One is making you do this, these companies HAVE to do this, so you are not able to blame them, or better yet, sue them when you are diagnosed with diabetes, that you "didn't know better." Wake up. Now.  This is reality, I found this on the internet, and you know they CAN'T lie on the internet.

I digress, label reading has become second nature to me, to check if the foods I am buying are a safe sugar content for me to eat. I try to stay below 14g, so no I don't drink sodas anymore. Now I can't eat ;  glu·ten

ˈglo͞otn/

noun

1. 1.

   a substance present in cereal grains, esp. wheat, that is responsible for the elastic texture of dough. A mixture of two proteins, it causes illness in people with celiac disease.

No I don't have celiac disease, I just have an intolerance, although I will have to keep an eye on it.

Last week I started eating gluten free, started taking Magnesium supplements which helps with blood pressure, heart health and bone strength, and it has actually helped my GERD and anxiety. My episodes don't last as long, and I am very optimistic for the future. Also I've lost 4 lbs! It has been a hard week. The first week of a new diet is always hard. Unlike when I started new eating habits  for the 'Betes. This time, I know what my body feels like when I consume the greasy foods, and anything I can do to STOP those episodes from happening, I WILL DO. They never tell you that feeling like you're dying, is worst than actually dying.

Vogue is Wrong, thinner isn't better. Healthier IS better. You do not have to be the thinnest person in the world to be pretty,  just be the healthiest you can be and the pretty will show.

So I will keep you posted on new foods, recipes, and on my progress. It will  not be easy, but again, I am an adult, the RIGHT thing, is not the easiest to do. Now when my body is all "I dare you, man" I will respond with "thanks but no thanks, I do quinoa, not big macs, and also get a real job, kid!" So go ahead, I give you a challenge, keep track of the labels of the food you eat, the food you feed your CHILDREN, do not be fooled by companies, know that you are poisoning your body, and it WILL catch up with you! Know that the eating habits you instill in your children, WILL grow with them, and it will make it hard to moderate or change as adults. Know that ONLY YOU are responsible for your health. Genetics, sure they suck, but YOU have the power to change. Anxiety? Diabetes? Gerd? Gluten Allergy?sounds like an infomercial to a "miracle drug" It isn't. It is my now, and my today, but I WILL embrace my path, and take it. I am optimistic, I am hopeful, and I am determined.

Thank you for reading!

#2014!

And let the "new year, new me" statements, begin! As we can all see from our social media Feeds, all of our friends, family and stalkers (you know who you are!) are thankful for every lesson, every challenge and every event that happened in 2013. they have ALL made the Instagram year in picture videos,  and are looking forward to what 2014 has to bring!

Don't worry, with the exception of the whole annoying year in picture video, this blog will be THE SAME! ha! gotcha! Now before you go closing your browser window, know that mine will probably be funnier than most.........(I hear my wife's voice  saying "MIGUEL! STOP IT!" she's the funniest one out of the two, obviously) 

I am actually, very thankful for this past year. Another year spent with the love of my life, best friend and inspiration. She is the person I admire and love the most in this world. When anxiety creeps in, I think of her and my boys. I think of my friends, my family, and all the things I love in order to try and calm down. I am a very lucky person, I have a great support system. I can count on a text of encouragement, a quote, and just love from them anytime I am not feeling 100%.  I love them all, and they are the reason why I am going to beat this thing. 

It's been a busy week! On saturday the gang got together and celebrated a surprise 30th Birthday! We went to a the Improv in DC. A very fun night...we even got to hang out with the comedians, apparently they have both been on "Chelsea Lately" and were actually really funny. 

In the middle of the second act, I started to get the usual signs. Tingles, tightness around my chest. A new annoying habit I have developed is taking my pulse. I look insane doing it, but just another thing to get through in therapy! I had to take a minute outside, process it, and let it go. As always, my darling wife came to check on me. In the middle of celebrating a friend, I could not turn my mind off long enough to enjoy the comedy, the company and the evening.


 After a little while, I started feeling like myself again. And went on to enjoy the evening, as I should have been all along. I allowed myself to have a few drinks, Tequila, ooof! Apparently it is "the drink" for diabetics. As you know, alcohol is FULL of sugar. My friend, Katie, who is a nutritionist, advised me of what I should drink. As fun as drinking is, and I am able to keep my sugar intake low, drinking alcohol makes the GERD act a fool! It's a catch 22, guys. GERD produces too much acid. Anxiety accelerates the acid, which together means.....not a so fun 30 minutes to an hour.  Well that's exactly what happened in the comedy club. I had greasy food, alcohol and boom, bad time. But I got over it, it went away, it always goes away. (Don't worry the cake Jenn is holding was for the surprise, she doesn't just walk around with cakes to places, and no I did not have any) That's the thing, folks. I have to just learn to separate what my mind is telling me, versus what is really happening.  It is tough, it isn't easy, but with people like this around you, it makes it not so scary. Don't get me wrong, It is debilitating, paralyzing fear that creeps in, but it passes. It goes away. Although I may feel like I'm dying, I am not. I am alive, and every day that I don't die? that's a good day!

Last night, we had a nice family dinner to ring in the new year together. It was a lot of fun. After a long day of back to back doctor's appointments, and errands, I was looking forward to it all day. We of course made a gourmet meal. Everything made from scratch, pasta, chicken saltimboca, mozzarella caprese, caesar salad, spinach dip (from yours truly) and other goodies.

 No better way to say goodbye to 2013, and welcome the new year than with the people you love, and can't live without.  All and all, I am excited for the  challenges of the new year. I do want to do some of the  cliche things, i.e.: Loose weight, quit a bad habit, (like checking my pulse) pick up something healthy, and most of all, get rid of the panic that stops me from doing all the things I love. Spending time with my friends, with my wife, with my family, singing, being silly, being the person I know I can be, and want to be.



These are the people I love to spend my time with. And I am thankful for them, every single day of my life.

"If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the now"-Lao Tzu.

Friends, (that's right, if you are reading my blog, you are now a friend, or a family member, or most likely one of those stalkers, either way, read and like!) these are words to live by. Don't get me wrong, depression, anxiety, diabetes, addiction, all these "mental" things are hard to give up. The key again, is to find your own path, your own motivation, and your own method to cope. I battle my "demons," anxiety, diabetes, and that pesky GERD. I know what I have to do, I know what I must do, however, the right thing, is not always the easiest.

HAPPY NEW YEAR FROM THE CUTEST FOUR LEGGED MATHEUS!

Music.....My Therapy

Ahhh, Christmas Day. A day where the stress of shopping, family gatherings, and way too much eating comes to an end.

What are the Matheus up to you ask? We are laying on our couch, in our PJ's watching Star Wars Revenge of the Sith. That's right, my wife is awesome. Also she's never seen the series....And Even though I TRIED to make her watch in the CORRECT order...she refused. Alas, we have to pick our battles. Right?

In order for us to overcome any type of obstacles in life, we must find a method that works for us. Each person is unique, which means each of us, has different coping mechanisms, it could be reading, meditating...uh EATING (ME and it's killing me, literally, my GERD, IBS, Diabetes....I love food so much, but it wants me in the Friend zone, and I just won't get the hint. It's telling me "hey, we can be cool, but I don't really want to hang out all the time) ,   cooking, hanging with friends,  exercising (one that I MUST start doing this upcoming year, but like seriously, NOT in the "my-new-years-resolution" kind of way)-by the way, people who say " oh I just LOVE to exercise, I get such a high" let me tell you this, I want to punch you in the face! Mostly because I'm jealous, but also because DON'T TELL ME THAT WHEN I'M EATING MY CHIPOTLE BURRITO!............

I have been going to therapy for my anxiety for a month or two, and it has helped. I have learned that in order for me to overcome this obstacle, I should try to do it in 4 equal parts;

Part 1-Therapy, which has helped immensely. I was very apprehensive about it, it seemed so narcissist to PAY someone to talk about yourself, but after going, I must admit that I LOVE it. It is freeing, to speak to someone about your darkest fears, and see no judgment. It was a new experience, things that I have always secretly worried about, I was able to say out loud, and know it sounded ridiculous, that alone helps. 

Part 2-Medication- the oh so controversial method that everyone and their mother (My Mother) has an opinion about. I am not too keen on being on Xanax, but hey, you have to do what you have to do. If you have a headache, you take Advil, if you have IBS you take a Pepcid, if you have an infection, you take an antibiotic, and so on and so forth, and what have you. Mental health, is the same. You can only try to do so much yourself, before you have to give in and try the not-so accepted way. I take when needed, and sometimes it is needed more than others. The holidays are a stressful time for everyone, so of course, I have had a few episodes where I've had to take my full dose, take a minute and regroup. It is working, and I am only using it as needed. 

Part 3-Excersise- BLAH! Anxiety comes from an over dose of adrenaline, and your mind running wild. Exercising helps you get rid of some of that pent up energy that your body stores. AGAIN, I will work on it. 

Part 4-Religion; now this is the part that gets tricky....See I'm not a religious person. I believe in God,  yes. I believe in Jesus (Christ not any of my relatives) However, I am not one to go to church every week. My understanding of Religion is that as long as God is aware of your intentions, and that you DO love him, you don't need to worship every single week in a room filled with other people who judge you. My form of Religion since I was a child, has always been Music....WHAAAAAAATTTTTT?!

Music, doesn't judges us. Music moves me. Music relaxes me. Music excites me. Music is one of the best parts of life, in my opinion. I like most types of music, some country, some rock, some folksy type stuff. I have my favorite artists, everyone does. I like Jason Mraz who is my favorite male singer, other than Michael Buble (Christmas time). But ANYONE who really knows me knows how much I adore My Queen.......Beyonce. (it's cool guys my wife knows I love her, she knows she comes first and Beyonce is a VERY close second)

Two weeks ago I woke up to a text from a friend, who is also a huge fan, that said....SURPRISE ALBUM! WAKE UP! It was 1:30 in the morning, I half woke up, looked at iTunes, saw that it was $17, and clicked buy, went back to sleep. I woke up to this.....

Granted, Lady GaGa, Britney Spears, and other pop artists have "dropped" albums this year, however, B never did any type of publicity for this one, she just said "surprise" and put it out, along with 17 videos. You have to respect the cockiness behind this tactic. After listening and watching her vision, you will not only respect her, but love her more as an artist.  Some of us are able to see music, we close our eyes, and sense the mood, and tone the track sets. In this project, she showed all her fans, and haters (I know there are a few out there that are reading this now), that music IS art. Something that has gotten lost through the generations due to the way music labels treat us as sheep.  Everyone relax, I'm not going to sit here, and go track by track, which I COULD, but know that this album is THE best she has ever put out. She is vocally gifted, and has the fierce stage presence to back it up. 

Music has been my religion, I am able to appreciate what artist do. I love to sing, and respect singers who use their gift and challenge their range. Music takes me to my "happy" place. When I am feeling anxious, and can be alone. I put on my headphones, and just let the music take over. I tune into the beats, the vocal arrangements, the message and I am able to escape for a while. When I am working out (which I have done) Music is my motivator, I love to listen to upbeat tunes whilst I do cardio, and ballads while I wind down. 

You must find that thing in life that is "yours." Everyone says "do your thing," and that thing should be something that makes you happy, and is able to take you away from your problems, your worries, and demands of life. umm Let me be clear.....NOT DRUGS OR ALCOHOL GUYS! That is NEVER the answer!!!!  I have a great support system, my wife, my family, my friends, and my music. The things I cannot live without. 

Go enjoy the rest of your Christmas Day! I appreciate you reading, your comments, and love give me the strength I need to overcome these obstacles. Diabetes, Anxiety, weight loss, whatever it is, find your way to cope, and your motivator! 

Another year.......

It is hard to believe that we are almost at the end of 2013. It seems like just yesterday we were all celebrating January 1st, and breaking all those new years resolutions, due to hangovers and weak constitutions. I mean who needs to get skinny, right?! Well, that time of  year is once more upon us, and I would like to take this time to reflect  on the past 365 days.   Who am I kidding? I barely remember last week, but like so many, there are moments that stick out in your mind, they may be happy times, sad times, anxious times, A.D.D. times, anxious times, happy times....wait.

As always I am thankful for my family, and my friends, who I love. I would not be here today if it weren't for the support of my loved ones. This past year has been one of the toughest years of my life.  

Last year, I was diagnosed with Diabetes, whomp whomp.....THIS year I realized that little feeling I've felt most of my life was not nerves, but anxiety. So a hypochondriac, anxious diabetic, yup that's me! sounds like fun, right? well? It is NOT! Growing up in an environment where every little thing can kill you, and every disease you hear about in the news is just waiting to lurk its way into your body can make every day  life,  a little harder. My whole life I've been a "worrier." I worried about the usual things...will I ever find a good job? will I stop waiting tables...EVER? will I ever find someone who loves the crazy person I am?  I'm at a stage in my life where, I have a great job, I have an amazing wife, and we are doing well. So since I don't have to worry about my career, or my love life, what's the next thing? oh yeah MY HEALTH! so I've been super focused on it, and obviously think everything under the sun is going to kill me, including the sun. Beware of the sun boys and girls, it isn't your friend. Or is it? Another rant...........where was I? Oh yeah.  

In the hispanic culture, (yes for those of you who forgot, I am hispanic, I forget it myself, at times)-Mental health is not something that is accepted. I should say that my family is understanding, however, at times where I feel like I've lost my battle and need a moment, they say, "come on Miguel, that's all mental" uh no DUH! I know! but unfortunately, what your mind tells you is happening, is your reality. So when my heart is racing, and I feel like I'm dying, and my mind is telling me, "this is it, you're going to die, today, right here" then that's when the ambulance comes, and it passes. This has happened 4 times this year. I have gone to the hospital, I have taken an ambulance, I have had numerous tests, EKG's, Stress Tests, cat scans, and no I'm not dying from a heart attack, and no, I'm not dying from a stroke. The first few times, it was hard to tell, now that I have been seeing a therapist, and have been put on anxiety medication, it has become a little easier....not completely, but definitely more bearable. Today for example, I was at the mall, doing some light shopping with my wife, at my favorite store no less "Apple" and I was having a little anxious moment, it was a mix of indigestion from the greasy sandwich I had for breakfast (Hey i'm not perfect, ok? yeah I have IBS and GERD and have to take prescription medicine for my Reflux, but I LOVE FOOD-----I'm working on it) and adrenaline. I sat there, while we waited for a Genius, and talked myself down. After a few hours of shopping, I was able to get out of that state of mind. Yes I had heart burn, and NO I was not dying. It is those things that I have to keep telling myself, I have to keep a more strict diet, and I will soon....you know Maybe January 1st. One resolution that I WILL try to keep this upcoming year, is writing my blog. It is a way for me to put out what I'm feeling, and release it. Not sure if it will help anyone else ever, but it helps me. I appreciate you reading this, the next entry will be funnier.  I promise. 

To 2014! may all of your wishes come true, and may you keep your resolutions past January 1st at 12 pm when all you want is a greasy  5 Guys burger! Make sure to call ahead! It will be a busy day for them!