Music.....My Therapy

Ahhh, Christmas Day. A day where the stress of shopping, family gatherings, and way too much eating comes to an end.

What are the Matheus up to you ask? We are laying on our couch, in our PJ's watching Star Wars Revenge of the Sith. That's right, my wife is awesome. Also she's never seen the series....And Even though I TRIED to make her watch in the CORRECT order...she refused. Alas, we have to pick our battles. Right?

In order for us to overcome any type of obstacles in life, we must find a method that works for us. Each person is unique, which means each of us, has different coping mechanisms, it could be reading, meditating...uh EATING (ME and it's killing me, literally, my GERD, IBS, Diabetes....I love food so much, but it wants me in the Friend zone, and I just won't get the hint. It's telling me "hey, we can be cool, but I don't really want to hang out all the time) ,   cooking, hanging with friends,  exercising (one that I MUST start doing this upcoming year, but like seriously, NOT in the "my-new-years-resolution" kind of way)-by the way, people who say " oh I just LOVE to exercise, I get such a high" let me tell you this, I want to punch you in the face! Mostly because I'm jealous, but also because DON'T TELL ME THAT WHEN I'M EATING MY CHIPOTLE BURRITO!............

I have been going to therapy for my anxiety for a month or two, and it has helped. I have learned that in order for me to overcome this obstacle, I should try to do it in 4 equal parts;

Part 1-Therapy, which has helped immensely. I was very apprehensive about it, it seemed so narcissist to PAY someone to talk about yourself, but after going, I must admit that I LOVE it. It is freeing, to speak to someone about your darkest fears, and see no judgment. It was a new experience, things that I have always secretly worried about, I was able to say out loud, and know it sounded ridiculous, that alone helps. 

Part 2-Medication- the oh so controversial method that everyone and their mother (My Mother) has an opinion about. I am not too keen on being on Xanax, but hey, you have to do what you have to do. If you have a headache, you take Advil, if you have IBS you take a Pepcid, if you have an infection, you take an antibiotic, and so on and so forth, and what have you. Mental health, is the same. You can only try to do so much yourself, before you have to give in and try the not-so accepted way. I take when needed, and sometimes it is needed more than others. The holidays are a stressful time for everyone, so of course, I have had a few episodes where I've had to take my full dose, take a minute and regroup. It is working, and I am only using it as needed. 

Part 3-Excersise- BLAH! Anxiety comes from an over dose of adrenaline, and your mind running wild. Exercising helps you get rid of some of that pent up energy that your body stores. AGAIN, I will work on it. 

Part 4-Religion; now this is the part that gets tricky....See I'm not a religious person. I believe in God,  yes. I believe in Jesus (Christ not any of my relatives) However, I am not one to go to church every week. My understanding of Religion is that as long as God is aware of your intentions, and that you DO love him, you don't need to worship every single week in a room filled with other people who judge you. My form of Religion since I was a child, has always been Music....WHAAAAAAATTTTTT?!

Music, doesn't judges us. Music moves me. Music relaxes me. Music excites me. Music is one of the best parts of life, in my opinion. I like most types of music, some country, some rock, some folksy type stuff. I have my favorite artists, everyone does. I like Jason Mraz who is my favorite male singer, other than Michael Buble (Christmas time). But ANYONE who really knows me knows how much I adore My Queen.......Beyonce. (it's cool guys my wife knows I love her, she knows she comes first and Beyonce is a VERY close second)

Two weeks ago I woke up to a text from a friend, who is also a huge fan, that said....SURPRISE ALBUM! WAKE UP! It was 1:30 in the morning, I half woke up, looked at iTunes, saw that it was $17, and clicked buy, went back to sleep. I woke up to this.....

Granted, Lady GaGa, Britney Spears, and other pop artists have "dropped" albums this year, however, B never did any type of publicity for this one, she just said "surprise" and put it out, along with 17 videos. You have to respect the cockiness behind this tactic. After listening and watching her vision, you will not only respect her, but love her more as an artist.  Some of us are able to see music, we close our eyes, and sense the mood, and tone the track sets. In this project, she showed all her fans, and haters (I know there are a few out there that are reading this now), that music IS art. Something that has gotten lost through the generations due to the way music labels treat us as sheep.  Everyone relax, I'm not going to sit here, and go track by track, which I COULD, but know that this album is THE best she has ever put out. She is vocally gifted, and has the fierce stage presence to back it up. 

Music has been my religion, I am able to appreciate what artist do. I love to sing, and respect singers who use their gift and challenge their range. Music takes me to my "happy" place. When I am feeling anxious, and can be alone. I put on my headphones, and just let the music take over. I tune into the beats, the vocal arrangements, the message and I am able to escape for a while. When I am working out (which I have done) Music is my motivator, I love to listen to upbeat tunes whilst I do cardio, and ballads while I wind down. 

You must find that thing in life that is "yours." Everyone says "do your thing," and that thing should be something that makes you happy, and is able to take you away from your problems, your worries, and demands of life. umm Let me be clear.....NOT DRUGS OR ALCOHOL GUYS! That is NEVER the answer!!!!  I have a great support system, my wife, my family, my friends, and my music. The things I cannot live without. 

Go enjoy the rest of your Christmas Day! I appreciate you reading, your comments, and love give me the strength I need to overcome these obstacles. Diabetes, Anxiety, weight loss, whatever it is, find your way to cope, and your motivator! 

Another year.......

It is hard to believe that we are almost at the end of 2013. It seems like just yesterday we were all celebrating January 1st, and breaking all those new years resolutions, due to hangovers and weak constitutions. I mean who needs to get skinny, right?! Well, that time of  year is once more upon us, and I would like to take this time to reflect  on the past 365 days.   Who am I kidding? I barely remember last week, but like so many, there are moments that stick out in your mind, they may be happy times, sad times, anxious times, A.D.D. times, anxious times, happy times....wait.

As always I am thankful for my family, and my friends, who I love. I would not be here today if it weren't for the support of my loved ones. This past year has been one of the toughest years of my life.  

Last year, I was diagnosed with Diabetes, whomp whomp.....THIS year I realized that little feeling I've felt most of my life was not nerves, but anxiety. So a hypochondriac, anxious diabetic, yup that's me! sounds like fun, right? well? It is NOT! Growing up in an environment where every little thing can kill you, and every disease you hear about in the news is just waiting to lurk its way into your body can make every day  life,  a little harder. My whole life I've been a "worrier." I worried about the usual things...will I ever find a good job? will I stop waiting tables...EVER? will I ever find someone who loves the crazy person I am?  I'm at a stage in my life where, I have a great job, I have an amazing wife, and we are doing well. So since I don't have to worry about my career, or my love life, what's the next thing? oh yeah MY HEALTH! so I've been super focused on it, and obviously think everything under the sun is going to kill me, including the sun. Beware of the sun boys and girls, it isn't your friend. Or is it? Another rant...........where was I? Oh yeah.  

In the hispanic culture, (yes for those of you who forgot, I am hispanic, I forget it myself, at times)-Mental health is not something that is accepted. I should say that my family is understanding, however, at times where I feel like I've lost my battle and need a moment, they say, "come on Miguel, that's all mental" uh no DUH! I know! but unfortunately, what your mind tells you is happening, is your reality. So when my heart is racing, and I feel like I'm dying, and my mind is telling me, "this is it, you're going to die, today, right here" then that's when the ambulance comes, and it passes. This has happened 4 times this year. I have gone to the hospital, I have taken an ambulance, I have had numerous tests, EKG's, Stress Tests, cat scans, and no I'm not dying from a heart attack, and no, I'm not dying from a stroke. The first few times, it was hard to tell, now that I have been seeing a therapist, and have been put on anxiety medication, it has become a little easier....not completely, but definitely more bearable. Today for example, I was at the mall, doing some light shopping with my wife, at my favorite store no less "Apple" and I was having a little anxious moment, it was a mix of indigestion from the greasy sandwich I had for breakfast (Hey i'm not perfect, ok? yeah I have IBS and GERD and have to take prescription medicine for my Reflux, but I LOVE FOOD-----I'm working on it) and adrenaline. I sat there, while we waited for a Genius, and talked myself down. After a few hours of shopping, I was able to get out of that state of mind. Yes I had heart burn, and NO I was not dying. It is those things that I have to keep telling myself, I have to keep a more strict diet, and I will soon....you know Maybe January 1st. One resolution that I WILL try to keep this upcoming year, is writing my blog. It is a way for me to put out what I'm feeling, and release it. Not sure if it will help anyone else ever, but it helps me. I appreciate you reading this, the next entry will be funnier.  I promise. 

To 2014! may all of your wishes come true, and may you keep your resolutions past January 1st at 12 pm when all you want is a greasy  5 Guys burger! Make sure to call ahead! It will be a busy day for them! 

Jagged Little Pills.............

I am the worst at following through with my entires, as you can tell by my last one, there was supposed to be a "Fun. weekend Part Deux" which was my Birthday weekend, where we went to see the band Fun., and so much Fun. it was. There was also that thing I did in July.....oh yeah what was it?

SEE BEYONCE! The most beautiful (celebrity) woman I've ever seen in real life. My wife is obviously the most beautiful thing in this whole world, but she knows how obsessed I am with Beyonce Z (Married to rapper Jay Z, hence the last name Z). Which was AMAZING, I saw her extremely close, I was pushed up against baracades, but did not care, when she looked me in the eyes, (which Jenn will say did not happen, BUT IT DID) I felt like I was going to die of happiness. I feel like you may need a picture.........

 I was in Heaven! Let's see....what else......Oh yeah! we moved! We are now residents of "THE BLVD" the happiest place in Derwood. Let's see..... Oh yeah! I started a new job! I got a promotion, I am now a court room clerk, which means, I get to sit next to the Judge and keep order of the court room, (it is A LOT OF WORK, behind the scenes type stuff, but I'm in the middle of the action, and I LOVE IT)

Now that you're caught up with what's been happening, I'll update you on my anxiety. Oh, It got worse! YAY!!!!!! Paralyzing, uncomfortable fear......of dying. I've been to the hospital, spent about 6 hours there, they did every test under the sun, and guess what? I was not dying from what I thought, which at the time of my attack were the following but not limited to; stroke, heart attack, diabetes shock, blood clot to the brain (see stroke), stomach cancer, the works. I've been to a cardiologist; my heart is healthy, I've been to my regular doctor, who keeps assuring me that my diabetes is under control. Alas, it is my mind. And THAT is not easy to take care of. After a few months of daily small, but nonetheless Ridiculous attacks, I was put on medication. And it did NOT go well. Finding the right medication for you  is much like a game, the game where you choose a player (medicine) and setting (your body) and try to beat the challenge (in my case anxiety) well, in gaming terms- Of which I know nothing- It was like I picked Mario to play World of Warcraft and the challenge was to beat the most hookers in GTA- Guys I don't play computer games, but I think you get the gist- It did NOT go well. I was prescribed Lexapro, for daily use. I took it the first day, felt ok, second day felt strange, sad, dizzy, dry mouth, then I had an attack, and it was magnified times 1,000,000! Not good, My doctor told me to stop taking it, but not before my "oh so sensitive" body would go through withdrawals, which were all about the migraines, nausea, insomnia, depression, and more anxiety. Guys, this all happened in like 4 days, but it felt like a lifetime.

I was given Xanax for those times where the tingles come in, which means you've lost your battle and the anxiety has taken over, and I've never felt more American. There's nothing else that screams "USA! USA!" like an anti-depressant. I'm on it NOW! "USA! USA!" I'm only taking half a pill for when I feel like I can't handle it, and it has been working so far. I do not want to resort to medicine each time, but as for right now, it is what it is. I will start therapy soon! I'll have to talk about all my feelings and emotions, which I HATE to do, but oh well, gotta get to the bottom of this, one way or another.

Anxiety and Depression are serious matters in our society today, it seems like it has become mainstream, and for those of you who know how obsessed with pop culture I am, NO! I'M' NOT TRYING TO FIT IN!. Do I wish I didn't have anxious moments? SURE! I also wish I could be BFF's with The Z's and they would fly Jenn and I all over the world, but it is not going to happen. I have to find a way to not succumb to the fear, I have not found it yet, but I will. My friends who are my family and I love more than anything in this world, have been by my side through this whole thing, being supportive, understanding, loving and always trying to "Google" ways to make me feel better. There are no words to express my gratitude to them.  As always, my biggest fan and cheerleader has been Jenn, she is my whole reason for living, her and my two boys (my four legged sons). I now live with two of the best people you will ever get the chance to meet, my girls Kara-Lee and Lauren and Lauren's son Carter, the coolest 6-almost-7 year old in this world. They make my life so much Fun. and fill it with laughter, support and Love. The move there was a strategic one, to save to buy a house for the Matheus, but these people have given me a home that will be hard to leave......EVER. 

Well friends, I leave you for today....there will be more to come! In the meantime know that there's a person that may not show their daily struggles in your life, but that doesn't mean they don't have them. Be kind to everyone, friends, family, co-workers and even strangers. Hold on to NO anger, or grudges, move forward, life is a beautiful thing, and you should experience it to the fullest. I will try to do that myself! what's that saying?.....Oh yeah I'll try to "practice what I preach........on xanax"

Fun. weekend part une.

Brad-Lee Manor; home of thousands of family memories, Peggy's beach,  a party boat, golf carts, guest rooms, Fun. times, and a wonderful weekend had by myself, my wife, and best friends..........sounds good right?! Well...............'TWAS!

 The gang (minus children and one member JAK) left after a grueling work day on Friday, packed up Harper (kayz's brand new, and AH-mazing ride) and headed over to the bay!!!!  We spent a two great days celebrating my wife's birthday, hanging out by the pool with some cold drinks, good music and delicious foods made by our lovely and caring hosts; The Bakers.  

The weekend started off with a fried-food bang! We stopped at the Dairy Queen in Easton, at my wife's request, and since it was her birthday weekend-fun.-time, we obliged. Did you know they served food?! Well not around here obviously, but they do in the Eastern Shore! A little back story, my wife is from the West Coast, and loves all things small-town. At first, I was NOT on board, but after having the  chicken tender basket with french fries, toast AND "homemade" gravy.......I jumped on it. Yes, did it murder my stomach? Sure! BUUUUTTT it was worth it, and it made my Bunns (that's what I call my wife) happy, and we will not be having that for another 8 years, that was the deal! The next stop on the itinerary was the oh-so-classy-and-extremely-cheap Wishing Well Liquors, where we shopped for all kinds of tasty beverages.

We made it to the bay house! Around 10 or so..........and then the PARTY BEGAN! We kicked off the evening with shots! And then I had one or three "Lo Hoatz Drinks" which are well.......dangerous. I kept singing "You get a whiskey drink, you get a vodka drink, you get a Lo Hoatz drink, and then your F*&#ing drunk" (To the tune of "I get knocked down" by the incredibly famous band Chumbawamba, THROOOOWWWW BACK! They had SO many hit SONG, yeah I meant just the one "song") and then the night got a little blurry..........FUN.....but blurry. I know it involved some night swimming in a scolding hot, hot tub, (freezing, the joke was it only worked during the day whenever Mr. Baker turned it on. NOT user error, just drunk error I guess, LOVE YOU KAYZ!)  I went to bed at some point, "early" by my party people's standards, you know around 1:30 or something, and slept great. Woke up the next day with my body screaming at me, "YOU'RE 30! WAIT YOU'RE ALMOST 31! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING! WATER WE NEED WATER!" So I stumbled downstairs disoriented and got me some water, and told myself, "Self,  this weekend is going to be a RAGER, and you're gonna like it!"

CUT TO- 11 am for ROUND 2! Except this time we "took it easy" since we were drinking the whole day. The ladies cooked a great breakfast, that included a basil tomato frittata, bagels, tea, donuts and orange cinnamon rolls. Yes, I ate it all. And no I did NOT feel bad about it, then it was POOL TIME! ALL DAY SON! Drinking under the sun, swimming, and LIVING -Side note,  sun screen is VERY important. Do not, repeat DO NOT for one second believe that just because you're of hispanic decent you can get away with just putting on a little. My shoulders will tell you different- There was a Jumping contest and all.  By "contest" I mean,  it was mostly silly jumps holding hands, it became a thing, followed by a series of attempts at back flip jumps off the diving board by yours truly, which just left me with a beat up and bruised back.............Proof you say? YOU GOT IT!

That lady there....She is the most fun, loving, and spontaneous part of my life. Before I was diagnosed with this thing, I would have NEVER wanted to show my a picture like this of myself, and so now I have adopted her philosophy in life which is "WHO CARES?" Honestly, all the little flaws, moles, extra pounds, or any insecurities you may have, no one cares about them, but you. Everyone has them and everyone hates themselves for them, we should never strive to be "perfect" instead be who you are. Don't be like anyone else, be YOU.  Life will pass you by if all you do is obsess over how you look, versus how you feel. Have good times with loved ones, dance like no one is watching,  get on a party boat, drink booze, eat artichoke dip (that happened) get sun burnt, use aloe, LOTS OF ALOE, have your slice of better-than-sex cake and eat it too! In moderation of course.   "Why does  the cake say Jenn is 73?  Well because that's all we could find, and 7x3+3=24! which is her age! Boom! Science!

"Delicious, fat, fried  foods?!  CAKE?! Drinking?!?!?!??! How dare you?!"   -Holier Than Thou McGee.

Listen up, HTTM,   Am I 100% proud of my body? No, and that is why I will continue and strive for a healthier me, rather than to kill myself trying to achieve a super ripped body that I will never have, I will focus on my health. And also, NO ONE ASKED YOU!


The Cast Wrap party was held at Guapos, where we enjoyed a few more drinks, and Mexican food,  another birthday Girl's favorite. (I'm working on it guys, ok? I KNOW!)

Look at that face though.....I will eat at a million Guapos and Dairy Queen's  

This weekend I was able to get out of my head and control my anxiety and sugar levels. Not every weekend will be filled with fatty foods and drinks, but when they come around I will enjoy them. Anxiety is something I am learning to live with, yet another "flaw" I wish I never had, but it is now part of me, and I must learn to deal with it, never let it define me. Hate it, sure, but then again, who cares? Life is worth living, and besides could you say "No" to getting away with these folks?

You COULDN'T!!!
AND YOU SHOULDN'T!

America, Accomplishment and Anxiety.

Hello Friends!

It is simply hard to believe that we have already celebrated the 4th of July for this year. It seems like just yesterday, we were ringing in the new year, making those break-on-January-1st-resolutions. All that aside, I celebrated America's Birthday with my family. You know the kind of family you pick, my best friends!

These people make my life something special, we spent the day having delicious food at Casa De Hoatz, we hung out with all of our favorite people, and then headed to the park to watch the fireworks with the kids. The kids took the picture, don't we look perfect? then they made us take one like this................"Make silly faces!" 

Nothing more American than cheese burgers, potato salad, ribs, beer, fat, fat, fat, fat, fatty-fat-fat foods! And yes my judgmental readers, I ATE IT ALL!........remember that Judgy Wudgy was a bear! 

July is filled with weekends of being super fat, and I love it! Yes, I have been keeping an eye on my health. I take my sugar levels about twice a day and they have been normal. I have not gained any weight (according to my doctor's scale, which has become  my new best friend, we talk all day every day) The fact is, I was diagnosed with this thing, and I was taken off medication because I worked hard at it. So if you only live once, as Jimmy Brooks says, then you must be able to treat yourself. (Jimmy Brooks is Drake; Amanda Bynes' vagina murderer, now come on Keep up!)

The summer is full of birthdays, America's, my friend's babies, Oliver and Jacob, my wife's, mine, and so on and so forth (I know I forgot a few, relax!) So far, I was only able to capture America's and Oliver's; more to come.....................in the mean time..............LOOK AT THAT LITTLE GUY! I love him so much!

In the midst of all the birthday celebrations, I had decided to apply for a new position at work. It is a long process, but the news have finally come in............I GOT IT! I will officially begin my new post as court room clerk at the end of this month. I am very excited, anxious, nervous, but very very excited. I have been able to achieve quite a few goals in my professional life in the past couple of years, Went from being a server to managing a restaurant, very very briefly, to breaking into the law firm game, and not working in the court room, I am very proud. (this covers the portion of "Accomplishment" in the title)

Which of course brings us to the "Anxiety" part of the program.   Yesterday I experienced one of the scariest most intense anxiety attacks of my whole life. I know I am a bit dramatic, but guys.........this was no joke. I usually go for  a walk when I sense the attack creeping its way in, and so I did the same yesterday. I started to feel a little out of it about an hour after lunch, so I kept trying to calm myself down, but instead the panic sunk in. I started to loose my senses, I felt like I could not hear anything, then I felt extremely dizzy and I started seeing black spots. At this point, I was all alone, and did not know what to do. I felt like I was drowning and dying all at the same time. Short of breath, disoriented I stumbled into a barber shop near my job where a lonely Asian lady sat, and I said "please help me! I think I need an ambulance" Guys, she look like she didn't understand a  word I was saying, I kept asking for help, and she wouldn't move, she kept looking out and had a scared face like "this latin man is going to rob me" I threw my wallet at her and asked her for water. I called 911, and incoherently gave them my location. I apparently hung up, I do not remember that, then walked back into work, dazed and short of breath, still not being able to see straight and feeling like I was  close to blacking out. 911 called me back and said the ambulance was outside. I went out to meet them still feeling like I couldn't breathe, or speak, see or hear. The EMT's were talking to me and put me in the ambulance to make sure I wouldn't pass out. They tested my sugar, and it had dropped low, which they say explains why I felt like I was dying. They advised that I should eat a cookie (SCORE) and to go see my doctor as soon as possible and discuss my options on how to control my anxiety. 

I met with my doctor today, and we talked for a while. She said that all my vitals are normal, and the reason for panic attacks is due to control. I have to learn how to control my mind, and tell it that we are not going to die! ("we" meaning me myself and my stupid over controlling brain) So now I am a diabetic with anxiety, I am here, I am scared and nervous and oh yeah..........ANXIOUS. I have been referred to a therapist, and will discuss my options with her, once we meet. I will keep you guys posted! Thank you for reading! Pass it along! Comment! and so on and so forth! 

I can do......WHAT?!

"Love means never having to say you're sorry"-Said by someone in some lame movie. I mean, are you serious?! I say Sorry all the time! Love is your wife suggesting we stay in all weekend and watch Harry Potter from the beginning, THAT. Is. Love. Don't believe me? BOOM! And so Mr. Potter's journey begins!

Much like Harry, I continue on my journey, it does not involve magic ( I mean, a little! I feel like an owl will drop my letter any day now! And of course I will be in Gryffindor, Duh) It  involves, dedication, hard work,  and the support from the love of my life and my amazing friends and family, to whom I owe my most recent success-wow I just got the chills you guys!- I guess if I wanted to compare, Diabetes is my Voldemort, only one can survive!..........................WHHHHHHHATTT?!

For my BLVD B Faces

One of the many many glamorous parts of being diagnosed with Diabetes is that every two months you have to get blood drawn. This past Monday I went for my routine visit. My favorite part of the process is sitting down with my Doctor, and her reiterating the, "you will die if you don't take care of yourself" spiel, immediately followed by the oh-so-familiar feeling of extreme guilt, thinking I am not eating well enough, or working out enough. Remember how I am a HUGE hypochondriac?! Well, while she is saying "Your blood pressure looks good, we haven't had to increase your medicine, you've lost weight," In my head I hear, "you are going to have a stroke. You are still too fat. If you aren't careful, you will loose a limb"-crazy right? Well........hypochondriacs have a hard time hearing the good things about our health, we just plain ignore it. Instead we replace the good news with the many "what ifs,'' those are a bitch. I am really working on just living, getting out of my head, and focusing on my triumphs, instead of negativity. 

I have lost 30 lbs since last July, it has almost been a year, I know, but given my I-could-care-less-about-what-I-eat-I-hate-excercise phase, I think it is quite an accomplishment! As I mentioned in my last entry, I have really tried very hard to get back on track,  a healthier lifestyle, for a healthier me.  

I have been working out A LOT, these past few weeks, and my body hates it! 

<---Does that look like the face of someone on the "runner's high"?!  That's because it isn't!!! This is what it looks like for the first 5-7 minutes of the elliptical.  Apparently this is called a "warm-up," to me it feels like "DYING." Well to be honest, it has become less time now where I feel like that, and more time actually enjoying the fact that I can do................THIS--------->!

That is almost 4 miles in 40 minutes, and for those of you that say "oh the elliptical is so much easier than the treadmill," Well, SHUT UP! It is super hard, especially when you're doing the Hill Climb Setting, it sucks, but my legs have never looked better, and I was able to do a 9 Minute mile yesterday, so yeah. This is what it looks like when I am done. SELFIE!!!!! I just wanted to make sure I could show you that it is no joke, if the elliptical was sooooooooooo easy, I would NOT be sweating like that!! Today I reached another small goal, I actually ran for 15 minutes on the treadmill! I have always thought that those outdoor runners are such a-holes, but in reality I am envious of their endurance, so I have challenged myself into becoming one of those D-bags who can run a few miles without collapsing. I will NOT lie to you, I felt like my calves were on fire, my whole body was screaming  in discomfort. Full on poker face, I looked like I was a natural runner for those few minutes, while my body ached and "End of Time" by Beyoncé Played loudly in my ears. In my head I was screaming "I AM RUNNING! I AM REALLY DOING THIS! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"  In addition to my cardio, and at my doctor's request to prevent "flabbiness," I have added strength training, which means weights, which are much harder than cardio in my opinion, it is hard to tone!  I will have to fill you in later on those, just know that I started on Monday, and I am so sore, I can barely move. But it is a good sore, an accomplishment.  

Every morning after I work out, I come home, and Jenn is ready with our breakfast, God I love that woman! We usually have egg whites, some type of turkey sausage or bacon, or apple chicken sausage from Trader Joe's, a bagel thin, and Juice. NOT your sunny D type of Juice, we have started to juice vegetables, and use it as a multivitamin. It is tedious to rinse chop and juice, but my Jenn does it for us! The juice is not something you get used to right away, it has an acquired taste, but it is really good for you! I shoot it, Jenn sips it, I'm all about business. We juice Kale, Celery, spinach, ginger, cucumber, cilantro, parsley, lemon, lime, and half an apple. Yes, it tastes like dirt, at times.

Every now and then I take a bottle to work, if we make a big batch for breakfast, and drink it as my mid-morning snack. (side note, completely obsessed with Tervis) Other wise, I have a Green Apple, with some fat free cheddar cubes, in the morning, and some berries in the after noon.  

The best part of this routine, is the fact that after my visit on Monday, my doctor reassessed my progress, and suggested that I may be able to stop taking my diabetes medication. When the words came out of her mouth, I thought, "Nah, that's probably not going to happen" As usual I had to wait a few days for the results. I am able to check them online, yet another thing I like about my doctor's office, and saw that there was a note saying. "You can stop taking  Metformin, make sure to keep dieting and exercising, and we will test your levels in a few months :)" I couldn't believe it!!!  I shared the news with all my CDCM's (Cool Diabetics Club Members, yeah I made it up! also it is me and all my sassy ladies from work) And their reactions were priceless! They are so supportive of me, and now I have more people making sure that I don't slip, especially when the donuts are flying on a Friday morning! 

For peace of mind, I test my levels twice a day. As I have mentioned normal levels of BGL's (blood glucose levels) are between 80-120.  I Tested 2 hours after breakfast, and it was at 96, and then only an hour after lunch and it was 110! After you eat, it is more likely for a spike, but mine were normal! I still can't believe that I can do this. As with any obstacle in life, at times you feel defeated, like you cannot go on. Again, it is ok to give in to the fear sometimes, otherwise it will eat you up. You just have to make sure that you don't let fear TAKE OVER, instead use it as fuel to get you to reach your goals, be your inspiration, but most of all your motivation. 

Today, I am optimistic about my future, it was my first official day off medication, and it went well. I am finally feeling like I can do this, I can take back my life, and not become another sad statistic. I am very lucky, I diagnosed early, young, yes, but early.

Thumbs Up! ( It's becoming a thing with being optimistic and all)

Remember when I had a blog?!?!?!?!?

Yeah, I forgot about it too. That's my "whoops" pic, also I figured it made me look like I was really sorry about not filling you in my incredible and amazing adventures.

Lez be honest guys, the past few months have been filled by a lot of Lamping. (Lamping-noun- meaning to not do anything but relax, as if just staring at a lamp. This action may be done with, or without the company of your best friends on a couch watching movies, eating delicious foods, at the Blvd.) Oh god, not I must explain what the Blvd is, (Blvd-location where dreams come true, and best friends become family) I know what you are thinking, "Miguel! you have the diabetes! why aren't you up and working out and blah and such, and what have you," well to you I say, "I DO!" Well I do NOW.

Alright, here is what has happened since my last blog entry;
1. I said "f*%@! dieting!
2. I gained a whole bunch of weight back
3. I started feeling sick, and bad about myself, including feeling body aches (those are a bitch)
4. The support of my wife and friends have helped me get back on track.

So there you have it, caught up. see ya!

Wait, you want me to tell you about it? FINE!..........................stop being so pushy.

Let's start with how I completely gave up dieting and working out. So if you weren't already aware, dieting and working out is.................BULL$H!T! Yeah, I hate people who are all "working out is my high" or "I only eat for FUEL" to those assholes I say "no one cares." (side note, I also despise people who "go for a run" stay home and be fat like the rest of us! and by "despise" I really mean envy, more on that in a bit)- When I was first diagnosed, I was scared, and followed my diet to the "T" I mean I was weighing proteins, and by "I" I mean Jenn, I was eating 5 small meals a day, working out every morning, and yeah I lost a bunch of weight, and my health was on the right track, but then life happened. We moved, which made it hard to keep a strict routine for meals since our lives were boxed, then came the biggest most favorite Fat American Day, Thanksgiving, then it was Christmas then it was  the New Year, then it was excuse after cheeseburger, after excuse, after cakes, after milkshakes......you get it. I found myself not caring what I was eating, nor if I got any type of exercise other than the walking I do day to day, you know walking to and from the car. Surprisingly I ended up gaining back all the weight I had lost, and then some! WHAT?! Did you know that could happen?!

It wasn't until about 6 weeks ago that I woke up, my body was hurting, and I went to the bathroom and gave myself a real good look, of course I looked horrible, I was fatter than ever, tired and extremely depressed-which is apparently a side effect of the medication for this F-ing disease, also memory loss, anger, and so on and so forth, awesome, right?-so I felt like I was trapped in a "glass cage of emotion!"

I did binge on food a lot, but then I decided to give myself a deadline, I started juicing, as a multivitamin, and eating more sensible meals. I have decided that the worst thing I did was just give in to all my cravings, so now instead of trying to suppress them, I allow myself to have a few "bad" meals a week. Find a good balance between cravings and binging, those are TWO different things, I see that now.  I have been waking up at 4:30am and go to the gym and work out, I've just been doing cardio 3.5  miles or so 4-5 times a week on the elliptical. It is much easier to stay on the right track during the week, with work hours and routine, the weekends are a little tougher, but as long as you have good people in your life, like my wife, and my Blvd crew, who remind me that I have to LIVE, NOT survive, the weekends are not my downfall any more.

I am not going to lie to you, just the other day, I woke up feeling down and hopeless, but it's ok. I am human, I will have those days, where I just don't want to "try." Guys, come on, diabetes is no joke. I have a fear every day that it is going to kill me. I go to work, and see people with their sugar levels super high, shooting insulin, feeling like they are going to faint. It is scary, I fight my fears, but sometimes, they creep in. Every once in a while, you have to let fear do what it wants, but make sure you take reigns and work it out. It's an understanding, you know your fears are there, and they know you only let them come out every now and again.

Tomorrow I am going for my routine blood work, another exciting part of being a diabetic, is that you have to go see your doctor every 2-3 months for blood work, to make sure they don't have to up the dosage of your medicine. I will make sure to be honest with her, I mean scales don't lie.  It is still a struggle, the road is not easy, but then again, it is just something I have to do. I will continue to try to keep a good balance, and continue to live.

Until next time!