Right now, I am sitting in my bed, because my paralyzing anxiety did not allow me to get out of the house to go to work. No I do not have Agoraphobia, but I do have a fear of dying. Every panic attack starts out the same, tingling, racing heart, can't move my hands, feel frozen. Feels like I'm in the middle of a muddy ocean and its waves are crashing onto my body, dragging me into the deep end, into an abyss. Feels like I'm never going to come out....like This is the end, give every little pang of pain, or weird feeling in my body (which we all have all throughout the day) too much significance, therefore my mind is just ready for the worst, ready for death. I can't see in front of me, I can't see it getting better. Feel disconnected to my NOW, feel stolen away, right now as I type, it feels like it isn't me. It is 1:06 pm, and it is bad, it feels like it is how my life will be forever. In this moment, there is no positive thinking, there is no WILLING yourself out of it. I have hit a wall, an invisible wall that no one but me can see. No one but me can understand. I found this image, and it puts into a visual (lame albeit) how an attack feels.....Everyone always says, "it's all in your mind" oh yeah?! NO SHIT! It is ALL in my mind. Your mind is the most powerful thing in your body. Why? Because it can control your reality, your now. Everyone knows me as the funny guy; which come on, I am! But this funny guy is going through some very real issues at the moment. I have been going to therapy, I've been exercising, dieting, keeping an eye on my sugars, looking AWESOME by the way, I've lost a bunch of weight, but the paranoid, always-look-for-the-bad part of me thinks that I am loosing weight, NOT because of everything I have changed, but because there is something wrong with me.
I will one day possess all the keys that unlock the prison, that is my mind. The keyless entries, the deadbolt, all of it. For right now, it is tough. It is a fear that just keeps coming back. I went through a whole month with no Xanax, no attacks, eating better. And even if I got little attacks, I was able to fight through them....however, in the past few weeks, it has not been that way. It has been very stressful everyday. I wake up, and for those peaceful 30-60 seconds, where you forget what you were stressed about I am at peace. Then my mind turns on, and BOOM! catastrophic everything.
Not everyday is as dark as today, I do have some happy ones. I am working on relishing them. Anxiety, fear, depression, whatever you are going through, becomes your reality, you are what you feel; you are what you see, or what your mind tells you, you are seeing, or feeling. Every morning I wake up around 5, do my workout, shower, watch some show on my iPad, and then slowly I start thinking about the day; thinking about what the day could bring. What if I get in an accident? what if I trip in the middle of the road and the light turns green and I get hit by a truck? (because a car would be less, obviously) Guys; I know! It's ridiculous. I have always been a worrier and a hypochondriac. One of my biggest fears came true, when I went in for a routine physical, and was diagnosed with Diabetes, a chronic, life long disease; one who has taken many of my relatives. I still worry about that every day, and ever since then my anxiety got a bit worse. There are days, and there are days.
These past few have been bad, there will be more that will be better. I have to remain positive, somehow. Otherwise, what's the point of all this, right? These moments steal from your Now, which are stealing your today, tomorrow is never guaranteed, so you have to fight for it! It's never too late for now!
It is 2:53 p.m. I am feeling only a bit better, the wall is no longer as tall as it was an hour ago, it is still there, still an "obstacle" but not as high, I can climb over this little bitch of a wall! Anxiety; the bitchy ex that is obsessed with you, and never wants to let you go. My next post will be more positive, I'm sure. Lots of things are coming my way; the Matheus are relocating and saying goodbye to the BLVD, a very happy place. New beginnings are always scary, which is why I think my attacks have been coming back I mean....MOVING?! are you kidding?! 2 straight days of non-stop stress! But I can't wait! It will be good! It will be close to work, close to LOTS of things in the area, and this stupid winter, will hopefully be over soon! Cheers!!!!
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