Jagged Little Pills.............

I am the worst at following through with my entires, as you can tell by my last one, there was supposed to be a "Fun. weekend Part Deux" which was my Birthday weekend, where we went to see the band Fun., and so much Fun. it was. There was also that thing I did in July.....oh yeah what was it?

SEE BEYONCE! The most beautiful (celebrity) woman I've ever seen in real life. My wife is obviously the most beautiful thing in this whole world, but she knows how obsessed I am with Beyonce Z (Married to rapper Jay Z, hence the last name Z). Which was AMAZING, I saw her extremely close, I was pushed up against baracades, but did not care, when she looked me in the eyes, (which Jenn will say did not happen, BUT IT DID) I felt like I was going to die of happiness. I feel like you may need a picture.........

 I was in Heaven! Let's see....what else......Oh yeah! we moved! We are now residents of "THE BLVD" the happiest place in Derwood. Let's see..... Oh yeah! I started a new job! I got a promotion, I am now a court room clerk, which means, I get to sit next to the Judge and keep order of the court room, (it is A LOT OF WORK, behind the scenes type stuff, but I'm in the middle of the action, and I LOVE IT)

Now that you're caught up with what's been happening, I'll update you on my anxiety. Oh, It got worse! YAY!!!!!! Paralyzing, uncomfortable fear......of dying. I've been to the hospital, spent about 6 hours there, they did every test under the sun, and guess what? I was not dying from what I thought, which at the time of my attack were the following but not limited to; stroke, heart attack, diabetes shock, blood clot to the brain (see stroke), stomach cancer, the works. I've been to a cardiologist; my heart is healthy, I've been to my regular doctor, who keeps assuring me that my diabetes is under control. Alas, it is my mind. And THAT is not easy to take care of. After a few months of daily small, but nonetheless Ridiculous attacks, I was put on medication. And it did NOT go well. Finding the right medication for you  is much like a game, the game where you choose a player (medicine) and setting (your body) and try to beat the challenge (in my case anxiety) well, in gaming terms- Of which I know nothing- It was like I picked Mario to play World of Warcraft and the challenge was to beat the most hookers in GTA- Guys I don't play computer games, but I think you get the gist- It did NOT go well. I was prescribed Lexapro, for daily use. I took it the first day, felt ok, second day felt strange, sad, dizzy, dry mouth, then I had an attack, and it was magnified times 1,000,000! Not good, My doctor told me to stop taking it, but not before my "oh so sensitive" body would go through withdrawals, which were all about the migraines, nausea, insomnia, depression, and more anxiety. Guys, this all happened in like 4 days, but it felt like a lifetime.

I was given Xanax for those times where the tingles come in, which means you've lost your battle and the anxiety has taken over, and I've never felt more American. There's nothing else that screams "USA! USA!" like an anti-depressant. I'm on it NOW! "USA! USA!" I'm only taking half a pill for when I feel like I can't handle it, and it has been working so far. I do not want to resort to medicine each time, but as for right now, it is what it is. I will start therapy soon! I'll have to talk about all my feelings and emotions, which I HATE to do, but oh well, gotta get to the bottom of this, one way or another.

Anxiety and Depression are serious matters in our society today, it seems like it has become mainstream, and for those of you who know how obsessed with pop culture I am, NO! I'M' NOT TRYING TO FIT IN!. Do I wish I didn't have anxious moments? SURE! I also wish I could be BFF's with The Z's and they would fly Jenn and I all over the world, but it is not going to happen. I have to find a way to not succumb to the fear, I have not found it yet, but I will. My friends who are my family and I love more than anything in this world, have been by my side through this whole thing, being supportive, understanding, loving and always trying to "Google" ways to make me feel better. There are no words to express my gratitude to them.  As always, my biggest fan and cheerleader has been Jenn, she is my whole reason for living, her and my two boys (my four legged sons). I now live with two of the best people you will ever get the chance to meet, my girls Kara-Lee and Lauren and Lauren's son Carter, the coolest 6-almost-7 year old in this world. They make my life so much Fun. and fill it with laughter, support and Love. The move there was a strategic one, to save to buy a house for the Matheus, but these people have given me a home that will be hard to leave......EVER. 

Well friends, I leave you for today....there will be more to come! In the meantime know that there's a person that may not show their daily struggles in your life, but that doesn't mean they don't have them. Be kind to everyone, friends, family, co-workers and even strangers. Hold on to NO anger, or grudges, move forward, life is a beautiful thing, and you should experience it to the fullest. I will try to do that myself! what's that saying?.....Oh yeah I'll try to "practice what I preach........on xanax"